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July 25, 2014

9:43 AM

The pain that won't go away



Image from http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/keep-calm-and-enter-the-red-room-of-pain/


Sometimes there’s an ache that’s not physical but you can almost feel it just the same. And it won’t disappear.  It won’t go away.

Sometimes the pain is called love. The kind that is not reciprocated. The kind that is oh so one way or one-sided. The kind that is unrequited. The kind that is not appreciated by the recipient.

In a previous blog, when Caitlin was younger, I wrote that I dreaded the day she falls in love and feels the first pain.

Just over lunch, I was standing by the pantry window and joked that I would stay there until my Prince Charming comes along.  And they said that I would probably wait there for a long time. Moral: Ang hirap maghintay ng Prince Charming talaga.

Why is love so elusive? What makes it elusive? And even if you have found it, sometimes it turns out that it’s not meant for you. And it’s even more heartbreaking - knowing that you can’t have the person. I think it was James Patterson who wrote that “What’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” 

But someone else put it perfectly. “A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.”

And meanwhile, a teen actress said, “Love should be precious, not painful.”

Sometimes, in my Facebook newsfeed, I see posts which one can easily decode as the person “being in love” and I would tell myself,  “Naku, masasaktan lang ito.”


  • Hindi ka niya type.
  • Friend-zoned.
  • He/she doesn’t see you as anyone except as a friend.
  • Parang kayo pero parang hindi.  
  • Parang gusto ka niya pero parang hindi.
  • Gusto ka niya pero hindi puwede.
  • He/she likes you but he/she has someone else. Or he/she likes somebody else.
  • He/she only remembers you when he/she needs something.
  • Back-up ka lang. Reserba. Sideline. Raket.
  • Hindi talaga ubra. Hindi talaga puwede. Kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo man ang mundo.


There are pains that won’t go away. And you are left with two choices. Accept that they have no (medical) treatments and

1. make them go away or

2. endure the hurt.

It’s really up to you.

Because, as said in the novel Kill me Softly“…if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”


Author's Disclaimer: I just write about love and relationships. Please don't ask if this is about me.


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July 3, 2014

4:58 PM

April 3

I just read an online article which reminded spouses that when things get rough, you just have to go back to the day you first fell in love with your partner, or think of the things why you chose him among the rest. And why you are holding on to that decision.

Twenty two years is a long time. Alex and I have gone through A LOT. We've had tough and reckless years in the past but we have forgiven each other, made our peace and re-created our life together. Good thing that I keep journals and writings about our relationship, especially when it’s our anniversary (we don’t celebrate our civil or church wedding anniversary, but the day when we became a couple which was on April 3, 1992 - and today is our monthsarry, thus this blog). Writing about us each year gives me a reason and an opportunity to look back and reflect on what has become of us. Whenever I feel sad, I just re-read my blog entries to remind me of why, when and how I fell in love with him. This way, I would focus on the positive, on the ups and the highs, on the joys and thrills.

He and I don’t fight anymore, and there are things that we have given up and have not been doing. There are things we both love, yet we still have our own interests, passions, addictions. There are things that we do together, and there are things we don’t have to do together.  I can be by myself or be with friends. And he can be by himself, or be with his friends. We’re steady, we’re calm, we’re cool. We don’t have to talk a lot, sometimes we just send body signals. Most of the time, we don’t even have to say anything at all. We just understand each other. He has chosen me and I, him. And that's it.

Whenever someone asks me why I don’t drive (anymore), I just say it’s because of my poor eyesight (even if I wear contacts) and I find it hard to drive when it’s dark or raining. Sometimes I say it’s because I don’t need to, I have Alex anyway. And whenever the issue of having or maintaining two cars comes up, I just say it’s expensive. We've tried that before. But the truth is (and until now, I haven't confessed or said this thing, except for 2 persons), I want to need my husband. I need to need him. There was a time when we each had a car, and we lived our lives separately. He had his friends and gimmicks, and I had mine. Our marriage and relationship suffered that I don’t want it to happen again. I don't want to experience again the time when I didn't need him. Driving is the only thing I cannot (or won't) do now – the rest, I can. And if I can do that one thing, I wouldn't need him anymore. I need my husband in my life. I hope you’re catching my drift.

In my last blog, I wrote that “Sometimes, some of the truest things are not seen, shown or said.” Maybe I haven’t been showing or telling my husband that I love him, or maybe you don’t see that. But the truth is out there – he will always be my one true love.



More April 3 entries:


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November 26, 2013

8:24 AM

Who says kids don't appreciate books anymore?

My 8-year old son discovered our old sets of encyclopedia in my mom's house and fell in love with them. He would borrow 3 volumes every afternoon and return them for another 3 until he consumes all of the books. 

I told Caehl that people don't buy encyclopedias anymore because they're expensive and because of Internet. "Information changes everyday and before you know it, the ones on the encyclopedia are outdated already. Anyway, you can research naman in the Internet."

He said he doesn't mind. "Even if the information is old na."

I didn't realize how serious he was on having his own encyclopedias until he told us last Sunday morning that he found preloved sets for sale at Sulit.com.ph (he has been doing some online window shopping, for crying out loud). "The lowest that I could find is 800pesos."

A lover of almanacs, dictionaries and atlases, this boy just can't be stopped. #talesofthegoodgirl #whatchamacaehlit #thegoodgirlsson

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November 14, 2013

11:08 AM


I'm supposed to be one of the emcees of our company-wide Broadway-themed Christmas Party and 103rd Anniversary celebration on Nov. 29 at the Bellevue Hotel. So I had a simple dress made for the occasion - my first time since I usually would buy off the rack. 

But due to Super Typhoon Yolanda, management decided to cancel our party and make a donation instead for the typhoon victims (on top of collecting cash and in kind donations from employees). 

We hold a company-wide party every other year (in between are Divisional parties). The last one was in 2010 at Dusit Hotel. I was also one of the emcees but I was not able to attend due to my father's death. This year would have been a great time to party but "...more than our need to celebrate Christmas together is the need to be sensitive and responsive to the situation of our colleagues and countrymen." 

As I picked up my dress, I told this story to the shop assistant. I was surprised when she took 10% off the price, saying "Eh kasi hindi na kayo matutuloy." 

God bless you. God bless all of us. Like cream, we will always rise to the top. #MagandangAraw
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October 10, 2013

6:00 PM

A Good Knight's Tale (Tale of The Good Girl's Son)

This blog entry is for my son Caehl Andre Euan who is celebrating his 8th birthday on October 13.

My son can read several languages. Aside from English and Filipino, he can write and understand Japanese, Arabic, Russian, Greek, Italian and French. And everything is self-taught, learned from the Internet.

Like a sponge, Caehl quickly absorbs everything he reads, sees, and watches. At age 3, he already knew how to read and type (yes, type), including his long name. He started with MYX and videoke, reading the lyrics of the songs on TV. His fondness for almanacs and atlases resulted to knowing all the regions of the Philippines, its cities and municipalities; the US map and its states and territories, including state capitals and time zones; the world map, continents, flags and capitals of all countries, and famous landmarks. He knows all dinosaurs like the back of his hand, planets and constellations, and the Table of Elements, too. If there’s one who can pick out constellations from the raindrops on your windshield, it would be Caehl.

He loves puzzles and watching the news and educational programs like Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho and GMA News TV’s documentaries. Proof? Please watch this.

CAEHL’S JOURNEY. When he was four, and he was being screened to enter Nursery, the school directress thought he was just sight-reading. To sight read, she explains, means to read with the aid of images, associations, letters or words one repeatedly sees or is exposed to.

In a previous blog, I wrote that a child may be able to “read” apple or banana because there’s a letter A or B beside it, or Jollibee or McDonald’s, because he is familiar with the logo or the sign, or some Spanish words because of his exposure to Dora the Explorer.

But when the school directress (Teacher Mely) asked Caehl to join him in a room and read a Kindergarten book (which contains only words and no pictures), she told us she was dumping the sight reading theory. “He truly can read,” she declared. She was amazed at how Caehl can read without going through the reading process, citing the aid of sounds or use of syllabication. At a time when kids his age can only read words of up to 3 letters, how did he do that? I don’t know.

A month or so after classes started, the school called our attention. They said Caehl had no eye contact, poor peer social inter-action, and echolalia. So we consulted a developmental pediatrician (which was not easy to do, we discovered as there are only a few in the country). Dra. Malijan, his first DP, recommended that we seek occupational therapy to address behavioral concerns and improve his gross motor skills, fine motor skills, as well as social skills; and speech therapy to address problems in language and communication. 

When he was evaluated at Building Blocks, Teacher Kith said he might have mild ASD/High functioning autism, Asperger Syndrome, or hyperlexia, but those (were) not final findings. The speech-language pathologist said we had to address his expressive language problem, as he has difficulties in expressing himself with words. What I love about Teacher Agnes’s assessment though was her reference to Caehl’s sense of humor. “He picks up subtle hints of humor and jokes, and would laugh heartily.”

Together with the monitoring of his behavior and academic performance in school, Caehl underwent OT (one hour once a week, clinic-based), applied behavior analysis (or ABA, two hours twice a week, home-based) and speech therapy (1 hour once a week). The sessions were expensive but we will forever be grateful to CKLC, Building Blocks (thank you Teachers Ryan, Kith, Jeff, Dana and Jhovy) and Teacher Agnes for all the love and support we got. In 2010, his 2nd DP, Dr. Joel Lazaro ruled out autism but diagnosed him with mixed receptive-expressive language disorder.

People used to tell us “Kawawa naman anak ninyo, ang haba ng pangalan. Baka pag exam, tapos na ang mga kaklase niya, siya nasa pangalan pa lang.” Not true. Hashtag #smh (shaking my head). Ang bilis niya magsulat, promise. Ang ganda pa ng penmanship.

He loves to read the Bible and dictionaries, too. 4Pics1Word and Logo Quiz? Nah – peanuts for him.

He watches basketball games with me, in fact I encourage him to play the sport and try out dancing and outdoor activities. And he knows the titles of my books. Nakikialam pa, sa dami ng mga libro niya hehe

Now he’s into languages. There was a time when he was trying to read the Japanese characters on a truck. We thought he was just making it up. Turned out he really could understand them. He can write and draw the prefectures of Japan. He says he uses Google Translate and YouTube to listen to how the words are pronounced. And he would always tease me for always forgetting how to say Eid al-Fitr and matryoshka properly. Nosebleed.

Ate Cae studied French and German formally but for Caehl, learning languages was just through Google and YouTube. He can also guess the nationality of an actor or a celebrity by listening to his accent. Watching Cupcake Wars with me one afternoon, he remarked, “He is French,” referring to the resident judge Florian Bellanger, an executive French pastry chef.

What I never experienced with Caehl is to tutor or review him in preparation for exams – never. He really does not like reviewing but when he has to, he does it on his own, including assignments. So convenient for a working mom like me huh? Yet sometimes I feel weird when I don’t act like other moms who have to rush home and stress themselves out with doing reviewers and mock-up exams for their kids.

“Kanino nagmana?” Those who have known me since grade school would know the answer. I would usually just smile and say, “Sa Papa ko.” Caehl may look a lot like his Dad, but his study habits and comic timing are definitely from me.

Since he loves to share his knowledge with my mom, my youngest sister Lea, Nanay and Ate Doobs, and our neighbors, I asked him if he wants to be a teacher. He said he wants to be a doctor (consistent naman since Nursery). Do you want to study in UST, like Ate Cae? “Sabi ni Nanay (Evelyn), Ateneo daw.”

People who know Caehl and his journey understand his uniqueness. I truly appreciate that they are patient (and generous with their time) answering his questions and listening to his stories, and putting up with his occasional tantrums.

What did we do right? What did we do wrong?  Autism? Genes? Early exposure to books, educational materials, and media? Formula milk? I leave that up to you. There are questions which have no answers. And there are things which we just have to accept and understand. It took us 11 years after Ate Cae before God gave us Caehl. I have always called him “my equalizer.” When God sent him to us, our lives have changed a lot for the better. It was Marie, a schoolmate of mine, who gave the perfect reason. “Perfection takes time,” she said.

If I can completely list everything Caehl knows, I am underestimating my son. He knows more, I am sure, more than I give him credit for. He has a big heart and he is really a good charming boy. I really must have done something good to deserve such blessing.

(Note: I didn’t touch on Caehl’s Lazy Eye Journey, as it deserves its own story.)

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October 8, 2013

6:00 PM

Loyalty is Royalty

One trait that I want to instill in my children (I would like to believe that I am slowly but surely succeeding) and one that will be written on my grave as a trait that I am known for is loyalty. When I die, I want people to remember me as someone whose support has always been complete and constant.

People who know me know that I am loyal – to people, to brands, and to entities who have helped me, shaped me, or in one way or another, touched my life. And people who know me know that they can always count on me and I will defend them up to my last breath – with nothing expected in return.

When I like a brand, I will stick to it and will not switch, unless there’s a major reason for trying or choosing another. My son knows our favorite brands by heart – with our without a list. I think he could even anticipate what I would like or prefer. It doesn't matter if it’s expensive or cheap. There was one time (I think it was during the UST-NU game) when I had to ask him to do the grocery-shopping, and on the list was “1 bottle of bagoong.” Afterwards, he sent an SMS, apologizing because they happened to buy 2 bottles. He said Nanay did not realize he already picked one, and she picked another. Later on, I asked him, “What did you choose?” “The cheaper one,” he said. LOL #thegoodgirlsson

As for institutions or business entities, once I get used to it or become familiar with the service and the experience, I will go back and go back   - renewing subscriptions, not changing channels, ordering the same food, requesting for the same server, or buying the same things. Old habits die hard, they say. With my Longchamp bags and my Havaianas collection as proof, need I say more. Add to this - books from the same authors. Kung mabibili ko lang lahat - well, slight

My daughter is a loyal friend. I see her helping her friends and being with them through ups and downs, in good times and bad times. Cae stands up for her friends and I would like to believe that they’d do the same for her.

Caehl is also careful in mentioning Globe's competitor when her Tita is around. When somebody tells him he's smart, he says, "No, I'm Globe."

An officemate of my husband tagged him in a Facebook post/link, wherein he and his other friends made fun of GMA and its reporters. I politely asked him to untag Alex. I wrote, “Perhaps you are not aware that (we) are GMA 7 supporters, and it’s not nice to see this and the comments on his wall. I hope you understand.” Yes, that’s how far I can go.

I am proud to be a die-hard fan, but not a fantard. There is a difference between the two. A fantard, according to www.urbandictionary.com, is a combination word of "fan" and "retard". It is usually used to describe (an) over-enthused or hardcore retard fan. Although I can be a person who will take the bullet for someone I love, I know when to accept shortcomings and faults, compromise, let go, and give up useless battles. There are people who are simply troublesome and who just want to create conflicts. Arguing or debating with these people who don’t matter or who don’t make any sense at all will lead to nowhere. So I might as well give it up.

Of course, I love my schools. I am loyal to UST because this is where I found my place under the sun. I love my course and I will forever cherish my college experience. I love UST because my husband and I are Thomasians. We bleed black/white black/gold. And it’s a bonus that my daughter is also a Thomasian. And we can all bleed to death 

I am loyal to my employer. I love Insular Life. For 17 years, it has helped me become what I am now. And I owe a lot to this Company which has been a blessing to me and to my family for many years.

Nowadays, they say it’s difficult to find a loyal person. “Pera-pera lang yan.” It might sound sad or bad, but it’s true. Loyalty can be bought, or worse, there’s no such thing as loyalty anymore. Loyalty has almost gone extinct.

For me, loyalty is not cheap, it’s expensive. And rare. American industrialist Philip Armour said, “There is one element that is worth its weight in gold and that is loyalty. It will cover a multitude of weaknesses.”

And loyalty is still a good thing – like hope. And no good thing ever dies.

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October 4, 2013

9:39 AM


Last 2010, Abi Moreno, a 4th year Broadcast Communication student from UP Diliman who was finishing her thesis about Francis Magalona's death and nationalism, sent a PM through my Multiply account, asking for an interview. 

She wrote, "I stumbled upon your blog while searching for possible respondents. I read your entry on how you've been a fan of Francis M. all the years. I'd love to have you as a respondent for my thesis."

She visited me here in Alabang and we had coffee while I reminisced about FM. I lost touch with Abi, though. I'm sure she's doing great.

My blog entry was a short one, but as a shout-out to FM and Abi, I am posting the link: http://thegoodgirl.braveblog.com/entry/31816
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September 25, 2013

12:41 PM

Love, Actually

With social media, I get to see and read about people breaking up with their partners, letting go, moving on…It saddens me to know about some friends who have decided to call it quits with their partners, after months or years of being together. Some of them are couples whom I thought would end up in the altar. The thought of investing yourself, your time, and love on one person, only to lose him or her in the end is a painful one – just the mere thought of it is enough to break your heart, eh? This makes you sometimes give up on love, or be scared to love at all.

How soon does one heal? How swift does one move on? For some, that “soon” comes quickly. For some, it takes quite a while. For others, sad to say, never.

I guess there is really no stringent formula or a boxed set of rules to keep that love alive. Well, there are some good pieces of advice out there, but in real life, every relationship is distinct and as they say, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. There is trial and error along the way, and you win some, you lose some. And as Bob Ong* said. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

Before I met my husband, I’ve had my share of heartaches and emotera experiences. When I was younger, I loved the concept of love, of falling in love. There’s this indescribable feeling of looking forward to waking up and seeing that person or being with that person. Even if most of the time, it was unrequited for me. Ok lang, go lang ng go, push nang push.

When I got older, then came the real relationships. During that time though, surprisingly, I never saw forever in any of them. I think I was one-day-at-a-time then, there was no hope or prayer that it would be my last (well, things changed when I met Alex, but that’s another story). Happy-happy lang. If it didn’t work out, then ok, you sulk a little, then you go on with life.

But I guess, times have changed and things are different now. While love is still the same, with so many distractions, temptations, interruptions, and all those ‘tions, it is more difficult to find a person to be in love with and to stick with. With a lot of things on hand, available and ready for shipping, and with the changing social norms, the tendency is to give all you’ve got, your 110%. Yet, you have no assurance that he or she will be the last person in your life. Kasal na nga, may sideline pa, so what more if boyfriend-girlfriend lang. Even relationship statuses have become different.  It used to be that single was well, someone who is simply not married. Now, single takes on a new meaning - not in a relationship or no boyfriend or girlfriend. Then there’s the popular “It’s Complicated.” According to www.urbandictionary.com, it may refer to “a couple in an ambiguous state between "friends" and "in a relationship", a couple that can't decide to be friends, friends with benefits, or to be in a full out relationship. It may also be used to indicate multiple relationship (being with several people at once) or dissatisfaction with an existing relationship. Other meanings: any relationship that's not OK; holding on to something that's about to end; still hoping to work things out or in denial stage of separation.   

It’s really complicated, isn’t it?

As Tito Manuel, played by Roy Alvarez in My Husband’s Lover, put it, “Hindi ko na alam ang patakaran ngayon.”

The world may have gone upside down now, but love has certainly not lost its appeal, and it still does exist. Some have managed to find it, some are still in constant search of that honest-to-goodness one true love – M/F/LGBT, no matter how crazy our planet has become. And yes, Virginia, tama sila - Daig ng malandi ang maganda.


*Source: http://www.bazics.net/2011/03/tagalog-love-quotes-batch-2-by-bob-ong.html#ixzz2fsNibsqt


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July 9, 2013

4:31 PM

College Collage

My daughter Caitlin Anais is graduating from college in March 2014. Like me and her dad, she is a Thomasian.

In my previous blogs (please click on the links below), I shared that we didn’t have a hand in choosing the course or university for Cae. It was a bonus that she fell in love with UST on her first visit and it was where she was accepted for the course that she wanted – Travel Management. Even if I was secretly wishing and hoping and praying she would take up AB, I didn’t object to her course choice. On top of the entrance exam, she had to hurdle a panel interview and a sort of go-see or casting as the students have to have a certain look or built (look at the smart-looking blue and green uniform below). It was her who made the decision.

Which was for the best, as it turned out. My daughter has been getting good grades, and she was on the Dean’s List for a while - something I was not able to do when I was in college. What she accomplished during her first 2 years in UST-CTHM surpassed what I did during my four-year stay in UST. Above all, she is having the time of her life.  I find her block mates kind, polite, and hard-working. The girls are so beautiful. The boys are cuties, dependable, and very trustworthy. Atnd they know how to have fun. Proof of this is when they staged their own event “Silhouette: A Glint in the Dark (The Search for the Next Miss Tourism Ambassadress 2012)" when they were in 3rd Year. I was impressed.

Writer C. JoyBell C. said, “I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway...let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves.”

I want to believe that this is what we are/were doing with Cae. Travel Management is unlike Nursing, Pre-Med, Accounting or other courses which parents would approve of. Or would choose for their own children.

“Ano yan, Tourism? Walang pera sa Tourism.” But that’s what she likes. Hindi naman kami or sila ang mag-aaral at papasok but Cae. So we gave her that opportunity.

Magastos ang Tourism. Oh yes. You bet. But it is our duty as parents to support her financially. So let it be our problem. So far, she has been to Cebu, Bohol, and South Korea.

I was in Grade 4 or 5 when I decided I would take up Journalism. Looking back now, I couldn’t have made a better choice for myself. Even though I didn’t end up in TV or print, I am happy with my job and how the Journ discipline has helped me through the years. When I took up a mini-MBA course at the Arrneow (Ateneo Graduate School of Business - CCE), I realized that:

·         I wasn’t cut out for a business course, and an MBA is definitely not for me.

·         I can do analysis but please do the computation for me. I was kamote in Accounting or numbers.

·         I f I took up a course other than AB or Journalism for that matter, I wouldn’t have survived, I might have gotten some failing grades.

So in one way or another, I was telling Alex that parents really should not be meddling and choosing courses for their children. And that it was a blessing that we allowed Cae to take up the course she liked.

What you like to do or what/where you are good at can spell the difference. It cannot be “just because.” Just because you think a business course is better or just because a popular / quota course will assure you of a job does not equate to excelling or being good in class. You have to have “it.” You have to be good in it. Pag hindi mo talaga forte, mahirap. Pag hindi mo gusto, mahirap pilitin ang sarili. (Eto naman po is just my humble opinion as a parent. Libre naman magkaroon ng sariling opinion. If you don’t agree, spin a win.)

It seems like only yesterday when Cae was a freshie, and now she’s on her fourth year - Thesis this sem, and OJT next sem.  By God’s grace, all will be well.

#GoUSTe (maisingit lang)

For more details on Travel Management, please visit http://www.ust.edu.ph/index.php/undergraduate-programs/34-bachelor-of-science-in-tourism.html

Read my previous blogs:

Senior Moment http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/31819

My Girl's Gonna' Growl Soon! http://thegoodgirl.braveblog.com/entry/95213

Blue Genes (and black and gold, too) http://thegoodgirl.braveblog.com/entry/114245

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December 31, 2012

9:01 AM

GMA News TV: Find out why more and more people are switching to News TV

GMA News TV: Find out why more and more people are switching to News TV

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December 19, 2012

9:18 AM

Picking up the pieces

When Caitlin was younger, my greatest fear was the time when she would fall in love and someone would break her heart.  

After a few misses, she finally met him on the night of their Senior Prom. I don’t usually meddle with my daughter’s choice/s and decisions, so we let her be.  The relationship went on for almost three years and during those years, we loved him like a son and loved him enough to say that if she ever ends up with him, it will be all right.

But as they say, high school “love teams” do not usually end up in the altar. True, there are those who manage to keep their relationships intact even after college graduation, and I salute / admire these couples. But inevitably, people change, grow up, expand their horizons so to speak, meet other people along the way. There’s also the distance to contend with, growing apart, or not being able to keep up with the demands of your partner, or even suffering from boredom, the so-called “old married couple” syndrome.

Whatever the reasons are, some good things just don’t last. When it was finally over, I didn’t expect that I would be so sad and that I would feel so bad. It’s as if we all broke up with him. Ang bigat sa dibdib and all I wanted was to hide in my room to mourn. He is already part of our family and he is like a son to me. He is a polite, family-oriented boy and I have gotten used to having him around. But then again, it’s not me who’s making the decision and I don’t meddle with my daughter’s choice/s.

Love is indeed strange, but we’ll pick up the pieces again.

When all that’s left in the end,

We’re pickin’ up the pieces again. – Open Skyz

Please click on the links to visit related blogs http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/16800



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December 11, 2012

5:27 AM

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Today is my Papa’s 2nd death anniversary.

Until now, I still find it difficult to write about his death and this event. There are things you just don’t write about, and there are stories that are hard to tell, and this is one of them.

My sister Lea said that when she got to the hospital the night Papa was rushed to the ER of Evangelista Hospital after a stroke, she never got to talk to him, and it still bugs her two years later.

We never talked about it, but I too share the same guilt. While Alex and I were the first in the scene, and Papa was still conscious then, I never went to his side to talk to him or ask him how he was. Or let him know that I was there. The minute I heard him cursing, knowing him, I was assured that he was all right. Even when he was transferred to New Sinai, I stayed away from him. “Nagmumura pa,” I said jokingly to my mom, “Ok pa yan.”

Little did I know that those were his last conscious moments. When he was wheeled into the CT scan room, he was already unconscious, and he never woke up again. That was December 8 and on the 11th, just as we were discussing how we will take turns watching over him at the hospital, he passed away.

And I will forever live with this.

Did Papa know that I was there? That I was the one who went to MCM to make arrangements for his transfer, only to be turned down because I didn’t have enough cash with me. I only had twenty thousand in my wallet, and couldn’t withdraw from the ATM due to the maximum withdrawal limit. The hospital required more. Worse, its CT scan equipment was not available. We were forced to look for another hospital, thus settling for New Sinai in Sta. Rosa. I don’t know if it made a difference, but the delay must have had an impact as he remained untreated after his stroke. Imagine travelling from Manila (where he had the stroke) to San Pedro (where his preferred hospital was) to Santa Rosa (where CT scan was available and where our 20k was accepted).

And then during his last night at Arlington, Mama had her usual dizziness/dizzy spell and when she woke up, she couldn’t remember a thing – why we were there, why there were so many people. Doctors said it was her coping mechanism. Her memory was trying to block the event.  “Bakit wala pa ang Papa ninyo?” Imagine our horrors and worries, the shock, the stress, how we did not know what to do, how we could not tell her that time due to her medical condition for fear that she might break down.

The following day, the day when Papa was to be cremated, we were advised to proceed without Mama. It was one thing to see your father being brought inside the crematorium, not seeing him ever again and another without your mom knowing it was happening. “Naku, Pinky,” she was telling my sister, “Nakalimutan ng Papa ninyo ang salamin niya.”

It has been two years but the pain remains, the sorrow lingers. I have so much to say to him. And I wasted so many chances to show him I was there for him, to let him know how much I love him.

If you love your dad or mom, say it out loud, let them know, let them feel how you love them. Cherish every moment you have with them.

How do you move on when a loved one departs? You don’t. You simply don’t. Sure, we have been living our lives without him, but you just don’t forget. You never do. They’re never gone.

Atty. Leon Lajom Acuña

April 11, 1942 - December 11, 2010

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November 20, 2012

1:28 PM

The Mystery of The Missing Bag

A while ago, I was covering the bar codes of my new Human (Heart) Nature orders, explaining to my officemate Maricel that they might set off Shopwise’s store alarm.  

And then we started to exchange stories of similar incidents in National Bookstore. I noticed that a number of National Bookstore branches have quite sensitive security alarms, even if you are just walking in. Sometimes this could be embarrassing, having to surrender your bag/s for inspection with people staring at you as if you were caught shoplifting.

Then I remembered that this is the reason why Cae doesn’t like bringing bags to the mall. She has an allergic reaction to security alarms, or worse, phobia. She was probably in grade school then when we went to National Bookstore in Festival Mall and the alarm went off as we entered the store. The security guard stopped her as we stood there, surprised as he was. We were entering the store, not walking out, for goodness sake. Her bag was searched and at a tender age, she was traumatized so much by the experience that she refused to bring a bag wherever we went from then on. She would just cram her stuff – cellphone, make-up, iPOD - inside my bag and that’s it.

Laking National pa naman si Cae. I wonder if I should have sued NBS for emotional and psychological damages. Is there a statute of limitations for this, lawyer-friends? 

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November 15, 2012

4:04 PM

Beauty is in the eye of the video-holder

There are a few lucky ones who rose to instant fame, YouTube sensations like Charice and Zendee, who were liked, loved, adored. Awww shucks, they've met Ellen huhuhu.

Many cases have also been solved by CCTV footages - just recently, that of the slain model Julie Ann Rodelas. Hooray!

And then there are the unfortunate souls who had public meltdowns - Christopher Lao, Robert Blair Carabuena, Claudine/Raymart Santiago, and now Paula Jamie Salvosa - who were crucified by netizens.

Admit it - there are guards, traffic enforcers, store clerks, fellow motorists who are really rude at nakaka-highblood. Meron na rin tayong inaway at sinigawan at some point in our lives - whether in English or Filipino.  Puwede rin in your own dialect – hindi nga lang niya naintindihan.

Thing is, we were not caught on video. Nakakatakot na ngayon kasi puwede ka nang i-video and you will become a trending topic for the wrong reason/s. Worse, people don't even know you from Adam yet, from a minute-long video, they have already judged you and said so much about you, na wala kang kalaban-laban.

Parang PBA lang, minsan ang natatawagan ng foul  or nakikita ng referee yung nag-react, not the one who initiated it.

The lesson here is to be always on guard, and to check your emotions.

I've had my share of nerve-wracking moments. Sometimes I would react. But more often than not, wala ako sa mood makipag-away or I'm too tired to care. Not worth it.

I'll just blog about it, tweet it, or post a Facebook status. Kakampihan ninyo pa ko. Di ba? 

(Follow me @therealgoodgirl)

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November 14, 2012

7:49 PM

Whatchama-CAEHL-it CXII

Ang status na ito ay Rated PG. Ang patnubay at gabay ng magulang ay kailangan:

Caehl: Mommy, why do you always say putik? Aside from mud, what does it mean? 

Uhmst hehe

That's the closest I can get #Putek
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November 14, 2012

6:20 PM

The Adventures of The Good Girl (Christmas Edition)

Worried ako sa magboyfie sa van.
Baka ma-stiff neck si girl or mabali ang leeg sa kaka-"put your head on my shoulder" kay Lovey.
Si Lovey naman, tortured ang tenga sa lakas ng volume ng headset nya.
Too loud for all of us to hear, napapasayaw nga ako sa techno music nya eh. Toogs toogs toogs

Isang bali
Isang bingi
What a pair!
At least mainit ang Pasko nila.

Each day is just like Christmas
Everytime that I'm with you
You're all I want for Christmas...
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November 11, 2012

6:34 PM

More Christmas Decors 2012

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November 11, 2012

10:00 AM

The Adventures of The Good Girl

Yesterday, somewhere in Sta. Rosa/Binan, we wanted to try a new route. We stopped at a security outpost/entrance asking for directions when a red AUV behind us started honking. Because the driver wouldn't stop honking, we just pretended to understand the guard's directions so we could proceed and give way. But after we did so, the driver even slowed down beside us and honked again. Nang-aasar talaga. 

Aba, he was an older man pa pala. Some people are really looking for trouble noh? Wala naman kaming ginawang masama sa kanya. Kung nataon siya sa walang modo na tao, yung hindi gumagalang sa matanda, yari siya at papatulan siya. Lalo, nag-iisa siya. Baka hindi siya nakauwi nang buhay. Pasalamat siya at mabait kami. 

Mabangga ka sana LOL 

(Mabait daw oh.)
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November 10, 2012

8:33 PM

We're taking you home

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November 10, 2012

5:40 PM

Our Christmas Tree 2012

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